


00:00am; i hate that i still love you

by blxckmxgic



Series: they said that time heals all wounds. maybe they were right. [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful(?) Ending, Implied/Referenced Depression, M/M, Sad, Songfic, based off of chan's don't want to admit, but it's barely there i promise, how do most of these tags even exist tbh, might've gotten a little too self-indulgent towards the end, only if you wanna interpret it as such, or at least attempted angst, somehow ended up injecting a LOT more fluff than i intended to tho oop, thankfully i managed to stop before i spiralled too far out of control lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25405990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blxckmxgic/pseuds/blxckmxgic
Summary: He hated him.Hated all the little trinkets and gifts he’d given him, both for special occasions and on whims.Hated the feeling of his large warm hands as they enveloped his smaller (and usually colder) ones.Hated the shelter, security and reassurance that was always guaranteed whenever he was pulled into his strong arms.Hated the butterflies that would burst in his stomach from all the times their lips met in a sweet union.He hated him. Absolutely, undeniably, positively hated him.But deep down, what he hated the most was that even after all this time, he was still in love with him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin
Series: they said that time heals all wounds. maybe they were right. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840069
Kudos: 11





	00:00am; i hate that i still love you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> So like, this is my very first work that i'm posting on this platform and truth be told it's been years since i last churned out anything remotely creative so i'm not very sure how this fares quality-wise but here goes!
> 
> If it wasn't obvious already and you skipped through the mess of tags this is very inspired by chan's skz-record song don't want to admit. god i hate that song for getting me hooked at the first listen, crying for the next 50ish replays, seeding this idea within the next 20 and the last 74ish encouraging it to grow into what we have here. yes i counted. yes i still hate the song. no i will not stop listening to it and crying myself to sleep even after this.
> 
> Enjoy!

>   
>  인정하기 싫어  
>  아직도 그리워  
>  How could I forget  
>  약속했는데
> 
> 인정하기 싫어  
>  이해하기 힘들어  
>  How could I forget  
>  The day you lied to me  
> 

~

“Hi! Chan, right?”

The male in question turned with a soft hum, his soft windswept dirty blonde locks falling a little more out of place with the movement. He was met with the visage of a familiar male about his height if not slightly taller, his tanned bronze skin practically glowing and radiating with warmth from the harsh rays of sunlight filtering in from the glass wall overlooking the campus courtyard. His brown eyes were warm and friendly, his honey-like voice matching his current disposition. He had a pair of small but rather pouty lips currently curled into a small friendly smile, a pair of simple black-framed glasses resting on the bridge of his button nose. His dark sideswept bangs fluttered in the slightest at the faint draft that blew past them.

He was cute. _Attractively_ cute. And it was no surprise to Chan when he felt a slight skipping sensation from somewhere in his chest. _Just like he did when the other had approached him at the start of the semester, all lost and flustered because he was running late for a class he desperately needed directions to._

“That’s me! You’re Woojin, right? Prof. Jung told me about you,” The blonde started with a warm smile, not giving away anything.

“She did, didn’t she?”

“Mm-hmm. She said you needed some help with your assessments and suggested that I could step in to be your peer mentor of sorts, not that I had any objections or anything though. I understand how difficult it is to get those As.” He responded earnestly, lips curling into a bright smile as he let out a small but almost melodious laugh. It really _wasn’t_ a lie - Chan had actually been informed by his professor of a “particular student from the other class who was one of the more talented ones of their batch, but was struggling with the songwriting and composing modules”. It just so happened that he was one of the aces in both modules (if he could say so himself), and although this “peer mentoring” stint would definitely take out more chunks of time from his already almost-extinct rest schedule, he was willing to put in the effort if it meant another talented student like him would be able to (hopefully) see the rest of their college years through.

Needless to say, when his professor mentioned that said talented but struggling student happened to be one Kim Woojin, Chan was even _more_ willing to take on the mentorship role, any incentives be damned. 

“Anyways, are you free at the moment? We could discuss your assessments and whatnot over some coffee.” The blonde continued, his smile unwavering. He wasn’t hopeful or anything per se - this was their first _proper_ meeting after all - but he did want to get to know the other better, not just under the context of schoolwork woes but as a person overall.

“Sure! My next class isn’t for another couple of hours and I don’t really have anything planned currently.”

Chan really _shouldn’t_ be having any fuzzy feelings of warmth of any kind, so why did his day suddenly feel brighter? He even forgot about the fatigue from pulling an all-nighter the night before.

~

>   
>  어디 가지 말고 곁에 있어 줘  
>  말해 봤자 이미 너무 늦었어  
>  꿈에서도 그려왔던 너  
>  어느새 변해 버렸지 뭐
> 
> 혹시 몰라 돌아올 수 있다고  
>  말해 뭐해 저번에도 그랬어  
>  내가 볼 땐 이미 글렀어  
>  무너지게 한 건 너였어 yeah  
> 

~

“I did it, Chan! I passed!” Woojin began in a flurry of excitement, bursting through the studio’s scarily flimsy excuse of a door and sending the blonde into a slight shock from where he was slightly hunched over his laptop, large headphones covering both his ears.

“Jesus Woojin, you scared me for a moment!” The blonde started in slight annoyance, although there was no real bite to his tone as he pulled his headphones off and backed up a little to make space for the other male currently squeezing into the roller chair next to him.

“Sorry about that Channie, but look!” The brunette said, eagerly brandishing the semester report in his hand towards the blonde. Chan carefully took the report, unconsciously finding himself scooting a little closer to the other as he scanned through it. The cute nickname the other let slip wasn’t lost on him though, but he managed to swallow down the small bursts of warmth in his stomach.

“A- overall?! Oh my god Woojin, that’s not just a pass! Congratulations!” Chan almost yelled, mindlessly launching himself at the brunette to engulf him in a tight hug and nearly knocking him over. “I’m so proud of you, you did it!”

“I couldn’t have done it without you; I owe it to you Channie!” The brunette responded as he returned the embrace, his tone overflowing with gratitude and what seemed to be something a little more telling (if Chan allowed himself to read slightly deeper into the statement than he should).

The hug lasted a beat or two longer than what would usually be deemed socially acceptable, but neither male seemed to mind. They did eventually pull away, albeit slowly, almost reluctantly. Chan lifted his gaze to lock with the brunette’s own ever-warm and gentle orbs, the warmth penetrating the deepest corners of his currently racing heart and setting it alight with the gentlest of flames. Chan was sure that there was no way the brunette wasn’t able to feel it since they were still pressed chest-to-chest against each other, but what was a little more surprising was that through those beats, he was able to pick up a secondary beat that seemed to mirror his own, drumming ever-so-gently against his chest but not from _within_. The realisation had his cheeks tinting a little pink.

Perhaps if he had paid a little more attention to the brunette in his arms, he would’ve caught Woojin’s own pink dusted cheeks, shy(?) smile and silent struggle to verbalise his end of the situation.

~

>   
>  솔직히 말할게  
>  포기하고픈데  
>  I don’t know  
>  I can’t give up on you
> 
> 좀 더 기다릴게  
>  지금까지 그래왔는데 woah  
> 

~

“.....and with all that being said, I want to confess that I’m in love with you, Kim Woojin.” The blonde had managed to let out rather stably, given how nervous he was during the day earlier as he stressed and fretted over this date. There was no reason to, really; his best friends, roommate and even close neighbours all knew of how he truly felt for the brunette and always reassured him time and again that his feelings were _not_ one-sided. On top of that, they’d already gone on a few dates prior, though he wouldn’t confidently admit that out loud. (“It wasn’t a date! We were just hanging out, can’t friends just hang out?”)

However, Chan was nonetheless only human and was (unfortunately) also predisposed to having nerves and insecurities in one way or another. Nerves that were beginning to act up in the current situation, though he did his best to quell them as much as he could.

His friends were right regardless; the brunette with whom he had one hand intertwined with, whose shoulder he was currently leaning his head on as they sat on a little patch of grass by a serene segment of the Han River watching the picturesque city lights against the starry night sky, managed to turn a deep shade of pink as he lowered his gaze down to the blonde’s curls, being thankful that Chan was unable to catch it. Only the slow but steady increase in his heartbeat threatened to give him away, drumming rather intensely against its skeletal prison as if trying to break free and become one with Chan’s own.

He didn’t mean to drag the silence half a beat longer than expected, so he squeezed the blonde’s hand affectionately a few times as a form of consolation.

“I’m sure you already know by now that I’m in love with you too, Channie.” He settled on responding with a soft tone, leaning down to press a small shy peck to the crown of Chan’s forehead. It was a sweet, simple action, but it was enough to set off an explosion of fluttering butterflies inside Chan and leave him feeling beyond any form of ecstasy he’s felt before.

Nothing else needed to be said; the moment surrounding them was perfect as it was. More soft and loving (proper) kisses were shared afterwards in an unspoken promise that solidified the change in their status and preserved the said moment into a blissful perfect memory.

I’m yours, Kim Woojin.

And I yours, Bang Chan.

~

>   
>  인정하기 싫어  
>  아직도 그리워  
>  How could I forget  
>  약속했는데
> 
> 인정하기 싫어  
>  이해하기 힘들어  
>  How could I forget  
>  The day you lied to me  
> 

~

“Jinnie, I’m home~!” Chan called out as he entered their newly-bought shared apartment, toeing his sneakers off and arranging them neatly on the shoe rack. He was met with silence, but didn’t think much about it since his boyfriend would sometimes be either in the shower or their room working on the guiding vocals for one of the demos from the small collection he’d composed around the time he returned home.

Walking the short distance into their living room, the blonde was not expecting to see his boyfriend by their dining table having what was possibly the prettiest bouquet of roses he had ever seen in his hands. The dining table was also laden with dishes that seemed a little too restaurant quality to be home-cooked, two elegant silver candlesticks at the center of the table gleaming softly from the dancing flames of the candles adorning them. “Wha-?”

“Happy anniversary, baby~” Woojin greeted almost shyly, cheeks tinted a faint pink as he approached his boyfriend with the bouquet and handed it over with a soft but loving kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “I hope I didn’t go overboard with all of this?”

“J-Jinnie, love, I….” Unable to put his thoughts into coherent words and sensing some waterworks on the way, Chan engulfed his boyfriend in a tight embrace, letting out small and quiet sobs against his shoulder as he tried to express his mess of feelings. “H-How did you…. I-It’s perfect…. Oh m-my god Jinnie…. I-I love you s-so much….”

“I love you too, baby. So so much. You deserve nothing but the best always.” The brunette hummed quietly but tenderly as he rubbed his boyfriend’s back in gentle circles in a sweet comforting motion, his whole being radiating nothing but love and fondness for the blonde in his arms. His large warm hands carefully made their way to cup the blonde’s tear-streaked cheeks, gently coaxing his face to look up at him as his thumbs tenderly dabbed away at the remaining tears.

“Making you cry wasn’t part of the plan, I apologise for that. Let's freshen up then we can eat together, hmm? I made all your favourites; I hope you’re hungry.” The brunette continued as he carefully guided Chan into their bedroom, peppering the blonde with more soft and gentle kisses all over on the way.

Chan had _**never**_ cried in any of his past relationships before, let alone have any of them last beyond 9 months. The past year with Woojin had undoubtedly been one of the happiest years of his life, but being able to celebrate a whole _anniversary_ with him of all people was something that he hadn’t honestly considered before. Kim Woojin truly was special, and Chan felt like the luckiest person ever to have had the privilege of being his.

He didn’t want to set any unrealistic expectations or too-far-flung goals, but he briefly and genuinely let his thoughts wander to when he was going to ask Woojin to marry him. 

~

>   
>  인정하기 싫어  
>  아직도 그리워  
>  How could I forget  
>  약속했는데
> 
> 인정하기 싫어  
>  이해하기 힘들어  
>  How could I forget  
>  The day you lied to me
> 
> Da da da  
>  밤새며 난  
>  I can’t stop thinking about you
> 
> Da da da  
>  Just stay with me  
> 

~

He didn’t return home.

Chan groaned a little too loudly, reaching his fingers into his now-black locks to tug at them in a brief flare of frustration. No, that’s not right. He always returns. No matter how bad our fights turn out, he will always come home.

He didn’t return home? No, it should be “he hasn’t returned home”.

He buried his head in his hands as another groan rumbled in his throat. It was stupid, a really stupid mistake. Of all people he could’ve snapped at, it just _had_ to be his beloved boyfriend. Granted that Woojin was no stranger to animosity (what kind of realistic couple wouldn’t have any arguments or disagreements throughout the course of their relationship, regardless of how perfect they are for each other?), but he was unfortunately a stranger to Chan’s burnout-induced temper. They’d never gone beyond mindless bickering and the occasional tiff that would result in the both of them taking a couple of hours away from each other to cool off. Even then, they’d end up coming back together to air out their grievances before forgiving each other and moving on from there.

It had been a little over 8 hours since Woojin stormed out of their apartment, all calls from Chan unanswered and all messages unread. Chan very belatedly realised that he had really fucked up this time, and his frustration began bubbling down into worry and anxiety. (Ironic, considering his anxiety was the fuel that had kept his temper flaring earlier.) Despite knowing that the attempt would likely be fruitless, he nonetheless pulled up his boyfriend’s contact and hit the ‘call’ button once more.

“The number that you’re calling is not available, please try again later.” Beep. Beep. Beep.

A long and heavy sigh left his lips as he let his phone slip from his hands, the device landing on the couch with a quiet thump. If his boyfriend didn’t want to reach out to him, there was nothing else he could do and he wasn’t about to force anything upon him either. He decided to send him one last message before getting up and calling it a night; hopefully things would be better the morning after and Woojin would be back so that they could talk things out like they always did.

>   
>  From: ♥ Channie~ ♥  
>  To: ♥ Jinniebear~ ♥ 
> 
> I’m so sorry. Please come back. I love you.  
> 

(Chan woke to an empty bed well into the afternoon the next day. It was only when the sun shone its last few rays did he notice the piece of paper folded neatly and tucked under their framed graduation photo on his bedside table, two very simple words scrawled in what was unmistakably his boyfriend’s distinctive handwriting.

“I’m sorry.”)

~

>   
>  인정하기 싫어  
>  아직도 그리워  
>  How could I forget
> 
> 인정하기 싫어  
>  이해하기 힘들어  
>  I might as well forget  
> 

~

25 March 2022.  
07:48am. 

3 hours.

3 hours since Chan had attempted (and failed) to force himself to get some sleep; instead he could only toss and turn and roll around on what should’ve been the now-familiar too-empty bed, the space next to him devoid of any warmth. The red numbers on the digital bedside alarm clock only served to mock him, a painful reminder of not _just_ how many hours of sleep he lost.

No, the unassuming date displayed on the clock mocked him more than anything.

2 years.

2 years since Woojin left without any explanation.

2 years since he’d found that note.

2 years since his world came crashing down in a blink.

Turning over once again, Chan glimpsed at the innocent but glaring red date, dark eye circles prominent and gaze devoid of any emotion, any warmth. His gaze then flitted over to their graduation photo, surprisingly still full of colour despite the years. As if carefully preserved and made to withstand the test of time.

_A picture-perfect memory._

He didn’t realise when or how, but his eyes had started tearing after a bit and before he could stop himself, he was bursting out in quiet sobs. Surprising, because he had cried more than he thought was even possible during the first few months after Woojin left, so much so that he was convinced he couldn’t cry any more.

Pathetic, he thought to himself. Worthless, insufferable, stupid.

The last time he suffered a bad breakup, he was able to get over it within 2 _months_. Yet here he was 2 _years_ later, still crying over Woojin.

He should be hating him. Hating him for leaving without any explanations. Hating him for not granting him any form of closure. Hating him for not even giving him a chance to explain himself and talk things out. Hating him because although Chan was in the wrong that day, _he_ was the one who had opted to take the easy way out.

Chan could list down many more reasons why he should be hating Woojin, but more than anything, he hates _himself_ the most.

Hates himself for being unable to let him go. Hates himself for continuing to hope that one day, just one day, Woojin would return. Hates himself for crying over him, even now.

Hates that he’s pathetically still in love with him.

He wasn’t sure how long he laid in bed crying his eyes out, but it must’ve been long enough since he was sure he hallucinated himself into thinking that there was a knock on the door. He paid it no mind though - he wasn’t expecting any deliveries and his friends have long stopped coming around to check up on him. A second set of slightly louder knocks followed not long after though, but Chan wasn’t delusional enough to have hallucinated that. It took him a great deal of effort to bring himself to roll off the bed, and even more to stand up and free himself from the tangled mess he’d become with his blanket and comforter. Giving up, he opted to just trudge his way towards the door in his current disheveled sleep-deprived post-crying state, presentability be damned.

Opening the door a crack, Chan was absolutely sure his mental and emotional state had deteriorated to a point of no return.

There was no possible way in his _sane_ mind (what little of it at least) to comprehend that standing right outside his door was the one and only Kim Woojin.

Mustering up what little energy he had left before he could let his mind delude him even further, he made a move to close the door, convinced that whatever entity that was tormenting him in the physical form of Kim Woojin would finally leave him alone if he did.

It didn’t.

“C-Chan, it’s me. Please let me in.”

Chan didn’t have the mental capacity to process what unfolded next, but he vaguely remembered complying to that request and being scooped into a strong pair of arms, his weak and tired body pressed flush against an all-too-familiar warmth.

This must be a dream. This must be a very sick and twisted dream I’m having. C’mon you idiot, wake up already. None of this is real. This all can’t be r-

“Channie….. Baby…..”

Chan had thought that he’d cried out all his tears back then (and then some earlier that morning), but those could never compare to how much he cried in his boyfriend’s arms right then. This was real.

He actually came back.

**Author's Note:**

> all bad jokes and horrible sense of humour aside, if you truly enjoyed this read do let me know in the comments! constructive criticism is also very much appreciated! not sure how kudos work tbvvvvvh but you could leave those too!
> 
> whispers i'll be back with more so keep a lookout, see yall lovelies until then xoxo


End file.
